something from the heart

i recently came to terms with something in my life and am actively seeking to treat it. i've known my whole life that i come from a family in which depression is hereditary. but now i'm tracing through and finding that anxiety/anxiety attacks are also part of the smorgasbord of fun. (mom, i just want you to know that i spelled that right first time.) i knew that depression and anxiety are linked, but only quite recently inquired as to our family history with the latter. it appears that anxiety is, in fact, part of the mix. i have been experiencing something similar to cameron diaz's 'the holiday' character's "esophageal spasms". well, that's what it feels like anyway. hers are brought on by stress. mine are brought on by who knows. one sunday, we're worshipping in church and everything is great, suddenly i have an urge to escape to the empty hallway and gulp water because my heart is beating thickly in my throat. i wasn't experiencing anything emotional, or even thinking about anything other than the words of the song, but there i was, pawing at my throat trying to force my heart back down into my chest. i have acquired 'bach's flower remedies - rescue remedy'. it contains the essences of 5 different flowers that treats 5 different emotional or mental (yes, i'm completely mental) symptoms. i take 4 drops in a small glass of water twice a day. it appears to be working. and for whatever reason that is: real, placebo, or otherwise; it still cost me less than one doctor's visit in which she would probably put me on some synthetic chemical that would harm my body and turn me into a zombie. i know that depression and anxiety are real, chemical problems, and i don't take that lightly. i also don't believe that drugs are the answer for everyone. if you struggle with being bipolar or need to take anti-psychotic drugs, by all means, stay on them. but i fully believe that God doesn't want me to be substance-dependent. He created the plants and flowers and herbs that all manner of hippie-dippy, organic, granola-folk rely on to treat illness. i use those terms facetiously - i don't really feel that way about most of them (sure, some are crazy). why are people so leery of 'God's medicine' (natural), but will totally pop anything their doctor throws at them (unnatural)?

i'm just saying.

so now i come to terms with learning a little more about who i am. playing with the cards i'm dealt.